That awkward moment when you tell all your workmates you’re a Christian.
Last night I was awarded the ‘Virgin Activist’ (previously named ‘Club Super Star’) for the first quarter at work. I think this is equivalent to the ‘Employee of the Month Award’ but it’s awarded every quarter at work. I love my job. And it’s been such a blessing after years of trying to find a workplace that will take me for who I am.
And I kinda knew I was in the running for the award when I’d received so much praise from the managers (we call them HODs = Head of Department). And I was convicted, since I’d been avoiding telling everyone what I actually do on a Sunday morning, that I should use that opportunity for the glory of Christ. In a way, it kinda felt like I was ‘coming out of the closet.’
So, I was finally called up there to receive the plaque. And with my eyes downcast for the entire time (Someone called out “speech!”), I spoke:
I am subject to your mercy when I screw up.
I guess I work hard because I follow Jesus, and because he’s my greater boss, I work even when no one’s looking.
But then at that precise moment, I became very self-conscious.
I smiled the whole time, not out of appreciation, but out of anxiety.
And on the ride home, I reviewed all my photos and saw myself as the ugliest person in the room. I blamed that I never look good when I’m not holding the camera.
And right now I am researching braces and/or dental surgery to fix my broken face.
My attempts at glorifying Christ did not bring me joy but anxiety. I am anxious that my workmates will see me differently, not just because I told them I’m a Christian, but also that I might be seen as ‘competition.’ I’m anxious that since I told everyone that I have a Christian work ethic, I’ll have to live up to that standard. And I’m anxious that in a place full of ridiculously good looking people (I work in a gym – hello?), I’ve officially stood out as unattractive inside and out (I unashamedly have really low self-esteem).
This was not necessarily because of the Devil working in me (although, I won’t refuse to believe that there may be some of that at work). But this was me hating myself. And me saying to myself that ‘I am ugly.’
I’m sure there is a joy in glorifying Christ, But in my sin, I get so caught up in me rather than how God has redeemed me in Christ that I cannot yet enjoy him and celebrate the fact that what happened there at my work. however awkward it was, took the courage that can only come with the Spirit-filled conviction that Jesus is Lord.
Posted on April 13, 2013, in Testimony, Work and tagged anxiety, Devil, glory, identity, Jesus Christ, joy, pride, self-esteem, smile, teeth, ugly, Virgin Active, work ethic. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.